(Essay)Taking the Plunge:

An Exercise in the Post-Confessional Mode

When you’re a gaymer, you tend to notice the creepy shit they put in videogames…

They are, for all intents and purposes, independent from her body. It’s unclear how they could exist on such a frame; they look so gaudy when she stands still. That’s not even considering when she walks with them. How to put this delicately? When she walks, they take a walk with her.  It’s as if there is some sort of isolated anti-gravity chamber that caters exclusively to them. They move without a breeze or other natural motivation. However, they have a clear sense of urgency in their movement.

Of course, she opts for the plunging neckline – but not just any p-neckline – she needs a torpedoed neckline that cannot, under any circumstance, contain those impossibly proportioned breasts (even if they were slightly detained by boob tape).

It doesn’t really help that this navy blue blouse makes them pop out even more. And, oh – yep! No bra. I guess, for a 3D fighting game, having no bra could . . . offer some sort of aerodynamic advantage? Or perhaps it’s to distract the audience from the fact that she has no pants. Or skirt. Like, why is she wearing a loincloth to go fight someone?

Still. She has good hair. No, not just good hair – the best hair. On the High Def screen, her hair is so blistering – so toxic –  my eyes burn just looking at the clusters of cherry-colored pixels that compose each strand. For some reason, her pearly white bow, binding her red hair, works well with that blue blouse – I mean, loincloth onsie.

They are really distracting – but, enough about her breasts, already!

Who am I kidding? It always comes back to them. They’re just hoisted up on their pedestal, mysteriously gyrating – judging me. I know what they are thinking. “Oh! We are so special. We don’t need a bra to resist gravity!” Ironically, they are a little cocky. And she – with these comically large breasts, tiny frame, and her Japanese anime eyes – all combine nicely with her sexually hostile outfit to create, what one might call, a USA flag-themed four-year-old-Lolita-clown-sex-worker. She’s a red, white and blue American Beauty, made in Japan, who looks a little Irish. So many cultures coming together to make everyone feel nauseated and uncomfortable.

And, when you think about it, isn’t that what video games are all about?